Well, this week has been one of challenge and despair. It started Monday morning, with the news that my beloved Grandmother passed away. She was finally ready to go, and I was glad she crossed over...but I was in a very dark place. I felt her absence immediately. That morning I had awakened with chest pain, and the beginnings of what felt to be a chest cold. By Wednesday it was a full fledged cough, and by Thursday, I had a fever. When it rains it pours...I kept feeling guilty, could it be my depressed body was attracting yet more doom? I finally went to the doctor, and she gave me medications to heal just about anything. I'm still coughing today (Saturday), and have been begging God, the Universe, anybody to help me get better. My mother is visiting from Florida, and my son is dying to get out of the house and do something, but I still feel like I have a 50lb monkey on my chest.
I have some things on my mind that should probably be free, in order for me to get better. First things first, a friend of mine, well, I realized the limits of our friendship this week. I am trying to seriously look at the bright side, and be grateful for when I do have his friendship, to not focus on what's not available to me. The friendship is unbalanced, but frankly, it's me who gets the most of of it I think, so I just have to be continually grateful for what I can be to him, and just let the rest go. It's been a source of worry in the back of my mind all week. We pretty much resolved things on Thursday, but didn't talk on Friday...so I was back to worrying. Oh well...I've GOT TO LET IT GO.
I'm trying so hard to raise myself up to higher levels emotionally. It is hard when a loved one dies...hard to find joy again...especially in the midst of family drama and a major lack of emotional support. My friends have all pulled away (don't blame them since I'm technically contagious probably), but I really need them closer. I don't do well alone. When I try to deal with things alone, I tend to bury it and let it simmer at a slow boil until months later it erupts in the form of a fight with my husband. I rarely remember the source of it all...and he gets the brunt of it.
I'm going to try the last exercise in Ask and it is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It's an exercise to help you move up the emotional scale. The specific example is a woman dealing with the death of her father, so I'm going to attempt the same exercise with the death of my Grandmother.
I'm going to make a list of conscious statements that I hope will help me move up the scale.
-I am desolate knowing I'll never see my grandmother again.
(grief)
-I wish my father and uncle had not mislead me about how serious her condition was, thus keeping me from coming down to be with her.
(anger)
-My father told me I should have visited her more while she was alive, but he knows I physically couldn't go this past year.
(rage)
-She wouldn't have given up the will to live, if my uncle hadn't bought a house across the country and gone away for a month at Christmas leaving her alone. It was like everyone was waiting for her to die, like she was an inconvenience to them.
(anger)
-My sister claimed she didn't feel that the family included her. She feels my father and uncle don't love her. That she chose this time to reveal all this only adds more stress to the time.
(anger,guilt, despair)
- I got to say I love you on the phone to her, and she vocalized, so I think she understood me.
(hopefulness)
-I'll give my sisters each their choice of anything that was left to me, so they feel better.
(hopefulness)
-I'm looking forward to getting over this illness and getting back to work, to a normal routine.
(positive expectation)
-I appreciate my husband so much for calling me last week, for understanding immediately what I needed, for being there as much as he can from so far away.
(Appreciation)
-I'm grateful for my mom helping me out this week around the house and with Cole while I've been sick.
(Appreciation)
-I appreciate my friends who have expressed their words of kindness, support, concern. For those who have actually wanted to help me...I am so grateful.
(Appreciation, love)
-Death is part of life. It makes me more aware of valuing everyone I have around me. I almost lost my mother as well two months ago. Death has been more prevalent around me and my friends these past months. God is telling us to appreciate all we have and live, thrive, create NOW.
(knowledge)
-I'm glad my Grandma is in a place where she is surrounded by her loved ones. I know she is now aware of all her goodness and has learned as well. To be in a place of joy and understanding is a million times better.
(knowledge, joy)
-I loved being blessed with TWO mothers, each unique and special in her way. Now I have one on each side of the world working in my favor.
(blessed, joyful, appreciative)
-All of this is good. I can find joy in the midst of darkness. For this I am grateful.
(joyful, appreciative)
The key to this exercise is to keep doing it I think. Because it's easy in the middle of being sick, dealing with grief, to see yourself slide back down into anger and other places of resistance. Now that I've done this though, I can just re-read it, and hopefully help myself get out of the grief, out of my illness and back into joy.
Thanks,
Mary K.
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