Since I started my blog over on Yahoo, I decide to move my first few posts over here:
[I had changed my template there to Art Deco, and began lamenting the fact that I wasn't born in an era when...]
What I would have given to live life with people, and in a time where you were passionate about anything. What are people passionate about today? Their ability to acquire things, their children's skillsets they never had, their bigger, badder SUV, their perfect balanced lifestyles. What happened to art, music, poetry, salons of friends revelutionizing...I mean what better time in history was there than now for some revelutionary get togethers.
OH but I'm too old to be a disenchanted youth, and too young to be a disillusioned washed up middle aged woman. I'm here in the prime of my life, waiting to be inspired, to inspire something, anything to come out of my soul. I don't want to look back on my life, and only have my kid as my best accomplishment...ok, he will be my best accomplishment, but I want the second thing to be something REALLY great. Something that changes lives, impacts people, changes the world, makes things better.
I just need to get over the bitterness I'm feeling now. I'm feeling the bile of disappointment. But of course, it is all my own fault as usual. How many times in our lives do we imagine things to be there, and realize...they are not going to manifest how we imagined. That perhaps we tried to make something or someone into what we needed them to be, instead of just taking them at face value and appreciating them for who they are as they are. I seem to do it over and over again. I don't know, I really felt cosmicly connected this time, so I'm not sure how to interpret things. What is the universe trying to tell me? Don't be greedy, don't be so needy, don't be so pushy, don't try to make things exist...that's God's job. But if God didn't want me to try to force my way through life, why was my personality forged that way. It is so hard to change something so intrinsic, to try to actually wait for what you want, patiently with gratitude and full faith. I know it works, but I keep forgetting.
2007-03-25 13:46:12 GMT
Entry for March 24, 2007
I'm so new to this blogging concept, and though it's not a new concept, I'm trying to decide if it's something I can do....I mean...is it the ultimate stream of conscious writing tool. Do we honestly expect people to read what comes of it. I don't know. I've always thought journaling to be intrinsically private...and to open it up to public scrutiny would change the veracity of one's work. I mean how can you really bare your soul, when you're afraid to be naked in public so to speak...if what you write ends up being what you hope people will appreciate this week, or want to read...who knows that.
Cole lost his first tooth today...one of those big deals in mommyhood and kidhood. Magically the tooth fairy has a dollar in her wallet for Cole's tooth. So amazing, because she thought she didn't have any...and boom, there was one right there, just enough...so she can pay on time without interest.
I am hyped up because I have my first paid free lancing job that I'm looking forward to doing. It's not like those boring editing jobs years ago, but one where I'm actually being able to create an over all "something". Makes me feel like I'm genuinely using my talents for creative endeavors finally.
My eyes are tired from chlorine...swimming all afternoon at the recently rejoined YMCA. God it is so peaceful just swimming...we literally had the entire pool to ourselves...blissful. Feeling weightless, even for an hour is such a gift...in an environment where I can do something I'm pretty good at and feel good doing it too. Cole was happy as a clam...
The tooth fairy has to stay up late tonight...not much hope for sleeping early. She's gotta wait til he's in REM sleep...no coughing, no twitching...just dreaming away, then she'll try so hard to find the special tooth pillow to get that itty bitty tooth out and put the dollar in the pocket. What does she do with all those precious pearls? Thinking about saving them..is that creepy? Where are the tooth fairy's teeth? Who gave her money for her teeth?
I haven't written much worth writing here this week...mostly personal poetry asking myself how much of an idiot am I really going to be in this life. Now that's not being positive at all, but sometimes I just want to say FUCK positive...I just want to dwell in a cesspool of self pity for awhile please. So that is where I resided in my writing this week...somewhere between the cesspool and positivity. The cesspool was the poem about weak men/strong women...the positivity, about being grateful for people in your life...a poem called Thank You, I've yet to post.
Lately I find myself struggling between my mind's ideals, and my heart's aching needs. It leads to great confusion when it comes to focusing on what you want in life. If you truly want to attract more in your life of what you want, you can't be confused. You can't say in your mind, this is what I want, yet in your heart, your spirit, you're longing for something else, something absolutely contrary to that thought. How to reconcile such differences...do you go with your sometimes base heart, or stick with the morale, dignified mind. I'm trying for mind...really I am.
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